Finding Out Who Your Friends Are

10-04-15

Today I’m making an exception by posting more than once per day.

Dear Aaron Wright,

When I check my stats for this blog it tells me the number of views and the referral source.  I know that you posted the link to this blog on a ski-related website/forum.  I assume your motive is to try to humiliate me in some way.  Or, maybe you just think you’re hilarious.  Or…whatever.

Well– It doesn’t matter to me who sees my blog and if someone wants to get a laugh over it then so be it.  I’m writing on this blog in a public way, first, for myself, and, second, to reach out to others who are going through something similar or much, much worse.

I just want to say to you that I’m really disappointed.  Last ski season you met our baby son, you acted once again like a friend to myself and my husband.  I had decided to put any past hard feelings behind me and I was actually happy to view our friendship in a fresh light.  It felt good.

When you spoke about your bad ski accident, I actually thought I saw a more humbled version of yourself.  You seemed changed.  I actually felt a little sorry for you.  As I don’t like being in pain, I did feel bad that you’d gone through a suffering of your own.  I feel sad that I was wrong about you.

Now that ski season is nearly upon us again, I’m feeling bummed.  Now I see 100% that we have NO friendship and that we won’t ever have a friendship on any level again.  I see you for who you are.

I don’t feel humiliated.  I’m not embarrassed.  I’m just really sad and disappointed.  I’m sad because I see that deep down you really are a very mean-spirited person.

When we see each other at the ski area soon, I wonder how you will act.  I wonder if you will put on a fakey nice persona.  Will you act like you’re my friend to my face?

If you’re an asshole on the internet, then why don’t you just be an asshole to my face?

Sincerely, Elisa

—————————-

Friendships come and go.  I am at peace when I find out who my true friends are.

I am healed.

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My List

09-28-15

For this post, I shall just mention that I made another blog page, called “Wellness List.”

I felt like compiling a list of all my different strategies for healing myself.  Somehow writing it all down feels empowering.  Writing it down is MANIFESTING HEALING.

I’ll add to the list as I add new habits.  I expect the list to keep growing!

I feel at peace knowing with full confidence that I have a lot more to practice, a lot more to learn, a lot more to explore…

Which means my healing is not done.  No even close!
I am healed.

 

Thong Underwear

09-23-15

I guess that title is an attention-getter, huh?

I didn’t used to wear thong underwear.  But now I’m finding that I prefer it.  It’s amazing what a positive difference it makes for my prolapse symptoms.

You see, when I wear the underwear that’s been my favorite for years (Patagonia Active Briefs), I feel more uncomfortable than when I wear my new thongs (Patagonia Barely Thong).

I actually bought the thongs because I had a suspicion that the shape/width of the material covering the crotch would help.  And I was right!!

Because the thong fabric tapers down ever-more-narrowly there, the material creates a light but very effective upward and slightly inward compression right against my vaginal opening as well as against my perineum tissue between vagina and anus.

It makes a big difference!  When I wear the thong, I feel more supported, more “closed,” and more secure.  The subtle compression takes away a certain nagging and annoying sensation so that I’m just left with a different but “better” kind of mild sensation.

I don’t expect that to make sense unless you’re also dealing with what I’m dealing with.  Just know that it’s an improvement!

It’s awesome that such a tiny piece of breathable clothing can do so much.  That means peace to me!  I think I shall order some more, because at present I only have four.  That’s not nearly enough!

I am healed.

 

Prolapse Terminology

09-14-15

I am recovering from:

A)  my childbirth
B)  my prolapse
C)  the prolapse(s) I have temporarily
D)  my prolapse symptoms

Which one is it?

As I write daily about my thoughts and my experiences with this “issue,” I’m very conscious of my word choice.

You see, I am manifesting complete healing.  I am full of hope.  I have my eyes on the prize.

That means that it’s hard for me to write each daily post without a part of me thinking that I’m reinforcing the idea that pelvic organ prolapse is a permanent part of me…or worse, that it IS me…or that my identity is getting too wrapped up in this thing.

Does that make sense?  So if I say “my prolapse,” it’s like I have it, I own it, it’s MINE.  But I don’t want it!  I don’t like saying my, but yet I need to be able to talk about the thing that I’m getting rid of.

So that’s why I find myself writing about my prolapse symptoms instead.  I can have a symptom without having an actual physical problem.  (The reverse is true, too.  I’ve heard of many women who don’t have any symptoms, but who discover that they do, in fact, have a prolapse.)

But seriously, it’s the symptoms that I don’t want!  Frankly, I wouldn’t care if I had a physical prolapse if it didn’t affect me in a negative way.  If there’s no problem, then there’s no problem.

Therefore, I still feel uncomfortable discussing “my prolapse symptoms,” because it still feels like I’m reinforcing something that don’t want to reinforce.  I don’t want to give energy or power to anything except that which facilitates my wellness, my recovery and my healing.

But since I do need a way of communicating, I have no choice but to use certain words and phrases.  I just want to clearly put it “out there”– for the record– that I’m talking about entities that are not permanently a part of me.

I am recovering from childbirth.  My older, worse symptoms have definitely gone.  The symptoms I still have are constantly diminishing.  Going, going, gone!  The words that I use to describe my experiences are simply words.

I focus on the peace that exists outside of the world of language.  I feel confident in a realm where words will always fail to describe what’s really going on.  This is impossible for me to articulate.  I just know deep inside the depths of my body and soul that…

I am healed.