Leaving a Facebook Group

December 29, 2015

Boy, oh boy…have I gotten out of the habit of regularly blogging or what?  Did you even notice?  Drop me a comment if you please!  Who are you? 😉

Today I’ll just mention that I left a Facebook group within the last week.  I left because I realized that staying in a (vegan) pregnancy-related group was NOT helping me heal myself to my fullest potential.

I’m not going to have anymore kids.  I don’t plan on getting pregnant again.  I’m definitely not giving birth again (HALLELUJAH!).

It does me no good to hang around where I’m continually reminded of everything childbirth related.  It hurts me to stay there.

I don’t want to be stuck in the past.  I need to move on.

I don’t want to hear about how “great” other womens’ births were.  I don’t want to feel those pangs of jealousy.  And I feel guilty when I find myself wishing there were more people like me…so that i can feel less alone in this…

It’s horrible because I don’t really want others to suffer.  It’s just a “misery loves company” thing, no?  Misery isn’t the best word to describe my situation, but it’s how the saying goes…

And so I left.  And so I have one less place to go to waste my precious time.  Excellent!  That gives me some peace!

I have a 16 month old little boy.  He is THAT old.  He’s no longer inside me.  He came out a while ago!  He was once a newborn but now he’s not.  He’s my baby but he’s really a toddler.

I can LET GO of everything pregnancy- and birth-related.  I really can!

I am healed.

Deals I’ve Made With Myself

November 20, 2015

Busy times!  Two days ago I had an all-day orientation at my “new” job (which was at the place I worked before I went on a 1 year (plus) long maternity leave).  Then today I worked a full day.

And…I felt super awesome both days (and yesterday).

Almost normal, in fact.  Days like these make me think that it’s really and truly possible that I might one day feel NORMAL again.  But about the deals I’ve made with myself…

Back when I wasn’t feeling nearly as well as I’m feeling today, I told myself a couple things:

1.  I agreed that I would never get nit-picky about how my body looked again (i.e. a little fat “here,” a little loose skin “there”).  I agreed that– as long as my body functions properly– then I have ALL I need and more.

Then…I agreed that I wouldn’t wait for my body to function properly (i.e. devoid of pelvic organ prolapse symptoms) in order to internalize such a feeling of COMPLETE body acceptance.

2.  I agreed that– IF I was able to function at work again– then I’d never stress about the usual things that used to get me stressed at my job.

Today I made good on that promise to myself!

In short, having to deal with something like pelvic organ prolapse helps put other things into perspective.  That’s one good thing that’s come from this experience.  Even though I didn’t think that I’d taken anything about my health for granted before, it is easy to look back on past times and see that I still wasn’t savoring “my body intacted-ness” quite enough.

So, today…even though I was challenged by work stuff…and even though I was really starting to miss my baby something fierce by mid-afternoon…I still felt…peaceful!

I felt physically great today.  And NOTHING was going to take away that happiness.  I’m so thankful for so much!

I am healed.

Reading

November 16, 2015

The theme for this post is reading!  I’m doing a lot of reading these days.  It’s good!

My boy is almost 15 months and he loves looking at books and having them read to him…at specific times:  when he first wakes up in the morning, before his daytime nap, and bedtime.  I sit and rock with him in my glider chair for the longest (sweetest 🙂 ) time, while he drinks his “formula milk” and/or water.

He shows his book preferences (i.e. grabbing for specific books on my nightstand).  He demonstrates his vocabulary:  “bah” (ball), “gah” (car, cat).  He does signs for “frog” (by sticking out his tongue), “butterfly” (by flapping his fingers like wings), and “airplane” (by waving his whole arm as if flying a plane).  He tries to “moo” for cow (it comes out like a soft hum) and “baa” for sheep (it comes out with puffed out lips, “putt putt putt”).

Anyway– we spend a lot of time with books because I was a voracious reader as a kid (pre-teen especially), and I hope that my son will also enjoy reading.  At the very least, I’m doing my best to foster his intelligence!

So what does reading have to do with healing from prolapse?  Well, there’s this:

Before baby, when I was working full-time, I was extremely disciplined with my exercise routine.  I’d get up by 5 AM and I’d either go for a walk outside, or else do my own home workout.  It included lifting weights, doing body weight resistance exercises, and/or doing a yoga DVD or Beachbody DVD (i.e. Insanity, P90X).

Before baby, before I gave birth, I imagined that sooner or later, I’d resume my morning workouts after baby was “x” months old (I didn’t really have a number in mind, I just figured it would be pretty soon after!)

Hello, reality check!

Lo and behold, my baby’s birth and my post-partum phase (i.e. the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th trimesters) were complicated.  I’ve mentioned it before that I had to accept my situation and GET OVER the fact that I just could not resume the kind of exercise routine that had been my habit.  Indeed, exercising in general dropped down on my list of priorities anyway!

So here’s where the reading comes in…

Once my baby got to the point where he slept through the night most of the time– which meant that I was no longer sleep-deprived and I had a little morning awake time to decide what I wanted to do before he woke up– I decided that I’d get back into reading.

(( Smile ))

I took an activity that I used to love, but I’d kind of stopped doing (reading), and I put that activity into the time slot when I used to exercise.

Strategy:  replace one positive activity with a different but also positive activity.
End result:  feel peaceful either way!

Honestly, I don’t miss waking up to an alarm clock.  I don’t miss working full-time.  I don’t miss exercising first thing in the morning.  I don’t miss that feeling of being compelled to exercise so much.

I like waking up when my body just “does.”  I like being a “mostly” SAHM (I’m just now starting to resume working on weekdays, but it’s not going to be much).  I like my body’s appearance just the way it is.  And– I like reading in my bed in the morning.

The “little” things in life DO help a lot.  When I feel happy…

I am healed.

Ups and Downs

10-13-15

Today one of my friends on Facebook posted this quote:

“Life is amazing.  And then it’s awful.  And then it’s amazing again.  And in between the amazing and the awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine.  Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary.  That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life.  And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.” – LR Knost

When I read the first three sentences, I thought…

Wow, that sort of describes what it’s like dealing with the symptoms of pelvic organ prolapse.

When I feel the best–>  Life is amazing!
When I feel the worst–>  Life is awful! Life is amazing but I’m annoyed/frustrated!
When I feel better again–>  Life is amazing!

Yup, this is a road with constant ups and downs.  If I had to graph my progress on a monthly basis, it would reveal a gradually improving trend.  SLOW, but still improving.  But, just like a volatile stock market, If my graph included daily data plots, it might be more difficult to see the progress.

For example, this past weekend I had my best days (symptom-wise) to date.  Yet, today I didn’t feel the greatest.  I felt more uncomfortable, more bulgy, and when I checked myself internally, the anterior wall was more droopy.

What was the cause?

A.  I did something during Whole Woman yoga this morning.
B.  I did something during baby care this morning.
C.  I’m still getting over a cold, so I’ve been blowing my nose a lot.  I’ve also been congested so I haven’t been able to perform proper breathing (i.e. inhaling through my nose)
D.  It’s day 18 of my menstrual cycle so it has to do with rising progesterone levels or something “hormonal.”
E.  All of the above.
F.  None of the above.

Who knows!?

What I do know (from months of experience) is:

  • my “highs” are getting higher and my “lows” are getting higher, too.
  • if I feel “not as good” today, I could easily feel “pretty great” tomorrow (and vice versa).
  • there does seem to be some kind of cyclical pattern
  • the pelvic organs are always on the move
  • there are lots of variables at play
  • every day ends with a night of sleep, and sleep always helps!

It’s my goal to keep my (generally happy, generally positive) mood on an even keel regardless of what unpleasant sensations my brain receives from my perineum.

There’s a word for that (from Buddhism, I believe), and it’s EQUANIMITY.  If I can say “Life is amazing” at ALL times, then I’ll really know what peace is!  That’s a big, big challenge, but I’m trying!

I am healed.