I started this post with a different topic in mind, but I ended up changing it to this. I guess tonight I just want to write down, for the record, that I have a sort of love/hate relationship with my episiotomy.
Episiotomy SAVED me. It was what allowed my baby to be FINALLY be born. It put an END to my childbirth suffering. It allowed me to REST after an exhausting almost 5 hours of pushing. It was the BEST thing ever…at the time.
Did my episiotomy put an end to one form of suffering, only to initiate a different and worse form of suffering? How much of my post-partum pain, prolapse, discomfort and mental anguish was actually caused by the procedure that was so necessary and so helpful at the time?
You see the love/hate?
I do know, for sure, that my episiotomy was absolutely necessary at the time. There’s no question in my mind about that. Sure– there were things that could have been done differently in the hours and days leading up to my baby’s birth. Sure– if a different set of actions had been carried out (the subject of another post), then my episiotomy could possibly have been prevented.
But circumstances– as they were– required it. That was that. It happened.
I know I’ll never know how different I would have felt post-partum if I hadn’t had the added trauma of episiotomy. I’ll never know if my prolapse symptoms from early post-partum up to the present would be worse, better, or the same if I hadn’t been cut.
Playing the “what-if” games in my head isn’t a good way to infuse myself with a feeling of peace. I know that. However– I find that writing things down helps me LET GO of a degree of the negativity.
If I keep the thoughts floating around in my head, then they remain active. The floating thoughts impede the emotional component of my healing process. On the other hand, once I get pesky thoughts out, I have a real chance of surrendering to “what is” and moving on.
I love my episiotomy.
I love that it brought my baby into this world.
I love that it brought my tortuous childbirth experience to an end.
I love that my wound healed without complications (without infection…or worse).
I love that my scar hasn’t given me any trouble.
I love that I’ve never had painful sex because of my scar (like many women deal with).
I love that episiotomy was the only “surgery” I had to endure.
I hate my episiotomy.
I hate that I needed to have it.
I hate that my body was cut into.
I hate that my vaginal tissues were altered.
I hate not knowing exactly what role my episiotomy played in the cause of my prolapse/prolapse symptoms.
If my episiotomy isn’t to blame for my prolapse symptoms then I hate blaming the wrong thing.
To move on and move forward with my healing 100% it appears that I need to RELEASE the negative idea that because a certain muscle in my perineum was cut, then the consequence is “I’ll never completely heal.”
I don’t know that. Just because it’s a thought in my head doesn’t mean it’s true. My body has the capacity for healing in ways that I can’t possibly understand. It has a resilience that is truly awesome. It’s constantly working toward being WHOLE.
So I’m going to end this post reminding myself of this:
Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not necessarily true.
Now, that is a peace-provoking thought.
I am whole.
I am healed.