Sometimes I Just Cry

09-21-15

And that day was yesterday.  I didn’t post because it was a long day and I wasn’t in the mood.  At work I didn’t feel particularly good, but I really couldn’t blame it on anything I did at work. 

However…

I did have patients who really needed more physical help from me than I felt I could safely give them.  For example– one lady recovering from hip surgery.  It should have been NO BIG DEAL for me to assist her going from sitting to standing, then statically supporting her weight with the gait belt as she tried to pivot with her walker.

It was never a big deal before I had this problem.  But since I’m still healing, it’s a different story now!  Being at home, not working, is one thing.  I’ve had months and months to figure out what daily routine works well, and I’ve learned how to modify my daily activities like housework, shopping, baby care, exercise, etc.

Before yesterday, I think it’d been a couple months since my last cry.  But at the end of a long day, I just started to feel very incapable and yes, legitimately partially disabled.  While I’m pretty sure that I’ll be able to perform my job if I’m only PRN (as needed), it also seems clear that I’m in no shape to do my job full time.

If I were full time, there would be NO way I could avoid exerting myself physically in ways that would stress my pelvic organs too much and too often.  To be clear–  I don’t want or need to work full time right now, but I would like to be capable of doing so!

Once I got home, I started really feeling down about it to the point that I just wanted to cry.  So I cried and I cried.

It could have been “just hormones,” because I checked my menstrual cycle app and I discovered that my period is expected in just under a week.

Whatever.  Sometimes it feels good to just cry.  The only bad thing is that my husband ends up feeling bad, too.  He wants to help me but yet there’s nothing he can do to MAKE IT GO AWAY.

Let’s end this on a positive note, though.  Today was actually one of my best days so far!

I do live with a peace that comes from knowing each new day really IS a new day.  Just because I feel uncomfortable one day, it doesn’t automatically mean that I’ll feel the same way the next.

I feel hope every single night.  When I put my head on my pillow each night, I always think and I always manifest…

I am healed.

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