I am recovering from:
A) my childbirth
B) my prolapse
C) the prolapse(s) I have temporarily
D) my prolapse symptoms
Which one is it?
As I write daily about my thoughts and my experiences with this “issue,” I’m very conscious of my word choice.
You see, I am manifesting complete healing. I am full of hope. I have my eyes on the prize.
That means that it’s hard for me to write each daily post without a part of me thinking that I’m reinforcing the idea that pelvic organ prolapse is a permanent part of me…or worse, that it IS me…or that my identity is getting too wrapped up in this thing.
Does that make sense? So if I say “my prolapse,” it’s like I have it, I own it, it’s MINE. But I don’t want it! I don’t like saying my, but yet I need to be able to talk about the thing that I’m getting rid of.
So that’s why I find myself writing about my prolapse symptoms instead. I can have a symptom without having an actual physical problem. (The reverse is true, too. I’ve heard of many women who don’t have any symptoms, but who discover that they do, in fact, have a prolapse.)
But seriously, it’s the symptoms that I don’t want! Frankly, I wouldn’t care if I had a physical prolapse if it didn’t affect me in a negative way. If there’s no problem, then there’s no problem.
Therefore, I still feel uncomfortable discussing “my prolapse symptoms,” because it still feels like I’m reinforcing something that don’t want to reinforce. I don’t want to give energy or power to anything except that which facilitates my wellness, my recovery and my healing.
But since I do need a way of communicating, I have no choice but to use certain words and phrases. I just want to clearly put it “out there”– for the record– that I’m talking about entities that are not permanently a part of me.
I am recovering from childbirth. My older, worse symptoms have definitely gone. The symptoms I still have are constantly diminishing. Going, going, gone! The words that I use to describe my experiences are simply words.
I focus on the peace that exists outside of the world of language. I feel confident in a realm where words will always fail to describe what’s really going on. This is impossible for me to articulate. I just know deep inside the depths of my body and soul that…
I am healed.